


I dwell in Possibility

by wildnights



Category: Dickinson (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22623298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildnights/pseuds/wildnights
Summary: Takes place after season one. Emily misses Sue, and then she comes home.
Relationships: Emily Dickinson/Susan "Sue" Gilbert, emisue - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 194





	I dwell in Possibility

A summer breeze sweeps across the woods and Emily pulls her shawl up over her shoulders. The old oak tree—her great-grandfathers tree—stretches overhead. She smiles and watches the leaves come alive, forced into movement at natures whim.

Her fingers glide across the words she’s written on a small scrap of paper.

_Love reckons by itself — alone —_  
_"As large as I" — relate the Sun_  
_To One who never felt it blaze —_  
_Itself is all the like it has —_

She exhales, and when she feels as if all the air has left her lungs she lets one word escape: “Sue.” Emily slumps back against the tree. Couldn’t she last more than five minutes without the other woman invading her thoughts? Apparently not.

Her last memory of Sue was in a hot air balloon, floating far away from her, all while she remained locked away in her room at Austin’s request. She still hasn’t forgiven her brother for being so selfish. It was Sue’s wedding too and she should have been there, by her best friends side.

But they were more than best friends. Did a word even exist that could express their connection? Not one word, but a poem. Several poems, Emily thinks.

She wonders what Sue is doing right now. If she’s thinking of Emily, or if she’s content to be by Austin’s side. Her brothers new wife. Her sister. This is not at all what she wants, but it’s the reality she will try to accept.

Now she’s here, alone, trying to convince herself that she can do this—can be the sister that Sue needs her to be. The supportive family that she deserves after a life filled with so much loss. This should be easier, Emily thinks, but she knows why it’s not.

She reaches up, gently brushes a thumb over her lips and remembers the way Sue’s mouth felt against her own. Hot and soft, desperate for contact. Will they share another moment like this again? The thought leaves her with an emptiness so deep she’s sure she will drown.

“Emily!”

A voice calls out, pulling Emily from her thoughts. “I’m over here,” she looks out and waves a hand in the air only to notice how quickly darkness has replaced the golden sunset from moments ago.

“Emily, why are you sitting out here in the dark?” Lavinia tilts her head.

“I was writing.”

“In the dark?”

“It’s not like it was dark when I got here,” she says, rolling her eyes at her sister. She planned to leave earlier, but there was no use planning anything. Not when Sue Gilbert entered her thoughts like an unannounced house guest. It’s Sue Dickinson now, she remembers, and the realization turns her stomach.

“Well, it’s time for dinner.” A smile stretches across Lavinia’s face. “I heard mother talking about another suitor this afternoon.”

“What? No!” Emily whines in protest and crosses her arms. She’d thought one wedding would be enough to keep her mother content, for awhile at least. Maybe she should stay here all night. Live under this tree with the birds and the butterflies. She would chose the freedom of nature over the imprisonment of marriage any day.

“Don’t you want to find a nice husband and have a big wedding like Austin and Sue. I thought after Ben…” Lavinia trails off, regretting her last words.

Emily stands up with a huff, grabs her blanket and gives it a forceful shake. “To be perfectly honest Lavinia, I’d rather die,” she announces, in her most serious tone. She stares at Lavinia for a beat longer than necessary, daring her to respond, but her sister remains silent. When Emily finally looks away her eyes land on a familiar carriage waiting in the distance. Her blank expression shifts into a wide grin.

_“Death is the supple Suitor_  
_That wins at last –”_

Emily speaks the words under her breath. “Wait? What are you talking about?" Lavinia scans the area where Emily's gaze is still fixed, but her frown only deepens.

“Oh that’s good. Let’s go Vinnie. I have to write this down.”

——

Dinner passes with little excitement. Without Austin to argue with and Sue to gaze upon, Emily found herself drifting in and out of conversation. Her father discussed politics and Lavinia talked about her latest cat painting. At one point Emily considered throwing herself directly into the fireplace.

She climbs into bed knowing sleep will not come easy. Her mind races, pulling her in dizzying directions. She turns to her side and towards the once empty chair in the corner of her room. “Bee! I’m so glad you’re here. I really need some advice.”

“I was just flying by and thought I’d buzz in. Wazzup?”

“It’s just…Sue will be back tomorrow.” She pauses, chewing on her bottom lip with her gaze fixed on the bed sheet she’s twisting around her finger. “Bee, have you ever been in love?”

“Girl, I fell in love today. There was this flower—”

A loud knock interrupts her much needed advice and she throws the covers over her head, desperate to shield herself from the outside world. She whispers a barely audible “Come in.”

Not that it matters. Her mother is already in the room settling on the edge of her bed. "Emily, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about and I waited until now so we could have a pleasant dinner but–”

“Is this about another suitor,” Emily interrupts. “Vinnie already warned me.”

“No, Emily it’s not."

Emily slaps the covers down and sits up. “Then what is it mother?”

“We will be having a guest stay with us. Someone attending the university.” She sighs and slumps slightly. “It’s temporary, but I know you have a flare for dramatics and I need you to be on your best behavior Emily. This is the son of an important man that works with your father.”

“What! I’m not dramatic.” Emily exclaims looking genuinely offended by her mother’s accusation. “So you’re not trying to marry me off to this man?"

“I most certainly am not. I’d like this to remain a pleasant experience for everyone and I don’t want you harassing the young man while he’s here to study.

“I don’t see what the big deal is then. Besides, it will be nice to have someone around that’s interested in education.”

Her mother visibly cringes and Emily arches an eyebrow.

“You don’t want him here do you?”

“This isn’t about what I want Emily. Your father has already arranged everything. It would have been nice if he could have talked to me first, but what’s done is done. He will be here later this week and he will stay in your brothers room.”

Mrs. Dickinson stands and smooths out her dress. “Now, you best get some sleep. We all have a big day tomorrow.”

Emily rolls her eyes. “Austin coming home hardly qualifies as a big day.”

“Austin and Sue.” Her mother corrects as she steps out the door, and suddenly Emily's heart plummets from her chest to her stomach. She falls back on the bed, smashes a pillow over her face and lets out a frustrated sigh.

An array of dreams greet her once she drifts to sleep. Vast worlds beyond Amherst where the living and the dead walk side by side. She sees Ben and he smiles. Tells her he’s happy and she kisses his cheek.

She follows a path that leads her to the waters edge and looks across a great lake shimmering silver. A small boat rocks in the distance, close enough to see, but just out of reach. Sue sits alone inside. She seems content, but there’s a sadness behind her eyes.

“Sue!” Emily calls out but the woman does not hear her. Emily steps waist deep into the lake. She begins to swim towards the boat, fighting her way through the glistening water. “Sue!’ She calls out again increasing her speed, determined to reach the boat, to reach her Sue, but it’s no use.

Each stroke only seems to carry her farther away.

____

“Maggie said I might find you out here.”

The voice startles Emily at first, then she softens at the familiar sound. “Sue!” She exclaims climbing down from the branch she was settled on. The sun streaks through the trees, cascading amber hues across Sue’s skin and pale blue dress. “You’re back.”

“I’m back.” Sue says, with an edge of hesitation, but she manages a genuine smile.

Emily made her way to the orchard early this morning. If she’d stuck around the house her mother would have a whole list of chores waiting for her. Only Maggie caught a glimpse of her slipping silently through the front door. She smiled and winked at Emily while the buckets of water sloshed at her side. It wasn’t just chores she was avoiding, it was also Austin. She wasn’t ready to see her brother yet and she hoped if she stayed out here long enough, Sue would come find for her.

A gentle breeze sweeps behind Emily, cooling her skin and willing her closer to the other woman. “How was your trip?” She asks taking a few steps forward.

Sue doesn’t answer the question, and Emily doesn’t mind. It’s not one of the questions she wants to ask anyway. Instead, Sue draws her gaze towards the ground and whispers, “I missed you Emily.”

With a hand outstretched their fingers find one another like the pull of two magnets. “I missed you more,” Emily replies, running a thumb over the back of Sue’s hand.

Sue looks up and lets out a laugh, “It’s not a competition you know.” She exhales and allows a silence to pass while they simply stare at each other. The ache in Emily’s chest has grown during their time apart and she wonders if Sue feels it too.

“Austin just told your parents about the baby,” Sue says, breaking the silence. “They seem really excited.”

“Are you?” Emily asks, with gentle concern in her voice.

Sue’s eyes narrow the way they do when she’s working something out in her head. Emily can decipher each subtle expression better than anyone and the woman’s uncertainty is clear even before she speaks. “I want to be. I think I am. It’s just so much. All at once.” Sue tugs on Emily’s hand and closes the space between them, lowering her head onto Emilys shoulder. “You’re here now. So, I think I’ll be okay.”

Emily closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, inhales Sue and leans into her touch. She wishes they could stay here forever, in the orchard, away from the expectations of civilization.

“I’m sorry I ruined your wedding” Emily whispers. Her legs feel unsteady with Sue pressed against her, their bodies so close. Will it always feel like this with Sue, she wonders. Every touch charged, every sensation heightened.

“Don’t apologize” Sue says, wrapping a hand around Emily’s neck. A cool touch against Emily’s flushed skin. “I know you wanted to be with me.”

That was in fact all Emily wanted.

“I still cant believe you married my brother,” Emily says, taking a step back. Sue raises her head, until their eyes connect. “Everything is different now, isn’t it Sue?”

“Not everything,” Sue replies, reaching for Emily’s hand once again. “I made a promise to you.” she glances away from Emily and into the orchard, unable to stop the tear that trails down her cheek. “Right there, under that tree.”

An impossible battle fights its way through Emily’s entire body leaving her head dizzy and her heart pounding. She squeezes her eyes shut and lets a sigh escape her trembling lips. She knows she shouldn’t do this, but she has no control. Not when it comes to the woman standing in front of her.

Emily closes the space between them and in this moment she can’t bring herself to care about anything other than the soft touch of Sue’s lips, the press of their bodies together, two halves of a whole that seem to fit perfectly. With Sue’s hand brushing across Emily’s cheek, she forgets this isn’t how it will always be.

Or maybe it is. Maybe…

The kiss is over far too soon and the cold air hits Emily’s skin when they pull apart. Sue lets out a soft whimper and her eyes flutter open.

“We shouldn’t…” Sue trails off.

“I know.” Emily replies, her voice barely audible.

“It’s just—” Sue leans forward, places a gentle kiss at the corner of Emily’s mouth and lingers close. “It’s just, I think I might lose my mind if I cant have you Emily Dickinson."

The words hit Emily with a force more powerful than those written by some of the greatest poets.

“I’ll never leave you Sue.” Emily offers with a small smile, unsure where they will go from here. She takes a deep breath and looks up towards the sun glistening above. A warmth travels over Emily’s face and through her entire body. Austin must be fuming at the thought of Sue alone with her in the orchard and the thought leaves Emily grinning.


End file.
